Courtesy and Companionship: In and out of the Garden

Courtesy and Companionship: In and out of the Garden

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. ~Mark Twain

After living 28 years with a disability, I never wanted to be perceived as that lonely, angry person who finds fault in anything, everything and with everyone. One of my biggest complaints of living my life with a disability is that I can never get away from my disability. When I go on vacation, I still have to deal with me and my personal care schedule. Quite frankly, that part of life truly stinks. When I go somewhere that I expect to be accessible, and it is not, I can’t get away from that either. My ex-husband would somewhat jokingly tell me to “shut up, don’t worry about it, and have fun.” It obviously didn’t bother him as much as it did me, and he was seemingly more bothered by me than by the lack of my independence. He wasn’t the one who had to go the entire evening without drinking anything because the bathrooms weren’t accessible.

Admittedly, I agree wholeheartedly that it can be all encompassing. For me to not worry about it when it affects me personally is almost impossible. For me to “shut-up” is not very probable, but I do try not to dwell on any issues during my off time. To ignore things completely would be the equivalent of a child abuse social worker ignoring child abuse. Although the child abuse scenario would require immediate action, my issues can usually wait unless I nearly get killed trying to cross a street. I have learned to make mental notes and to readdress most issues later. This provides a better opportunity for me to contact and communicate with the right person. After all, I usually just want to eat. It is generally not the waiter’s fault and it would be a waste of my energy to yell at him. Except, there have been situations where the wait staff have asked my companion, “What would she like for dinner?”, as if I wasn’t even there! Generally, I would speak up, stare them in the eyes, and tell them what I would like, usually with an extremely heavy emphasis on the word “I”.

When you live an active life with a disability, you learn to live with a certain threshold of discrimination. That’s life. Ignorance often prevails, and as of late, insult from self-indignant people is not unusual. Something I will never be accustomed to, or ever will be. I simply remind myself that it is their way of coping with something that they are completely insensitive too, for now. Someday, they will thank me and they too will understand. The important thing for me to realize is that I’ve made my point, with the obvious realization that they have no issue with insulting me and many others living life with a disability. (The lowest form of low in my book. No sleep loss from me when it comes to dealing with stupidity.)

Negativity can consume you. When you go to a park you simply want to enjoy the beauty of the environment. When you go out to a restaurant, you want to eat and drink however much you wish. When your son’s swim team gets together for an awards dinner, you expect to be able to get in and not have to be carried up a flight of stairs to enjoy the celebration. Wouldn’t that be an obvious courtesy? When someone plans a company party, shouldn’t the location be one you can enjoy too? Unfortunately, this has not always been the case.

With the right attitude, and the right companions I have been afforded these courtesies. For this, I am incredibly appreciative. I can’t dwell on the negative, and be sane. There is simply too much. When I offer my assessment, most value it as an added means of protection from what could be a needless lawsuit, and as a means of providing better customer service. Some surprisingly avoid me, which is generally a tale-tale sign that something is seriously wrong. This scenario is most upsetting! Some embrace the issue head on and learn from me, and do something about it. Those people make any aggravation I encounter worth it. When I see an elderly couple enjoying a pier, or a group of friends with disabilities heading to the aquarium worry free, I feel rewarded.

One of my Facebook followers on Access to the Garden recently commented that parks and gardens should be a place for all to enjoy. Amen. This is my mission, and my passion. Whether it is a community garden, or a public park, one must consider every person within the community and how they can best utilize the space. One must also think beyond the space and ask how is a person with a disability or someone who is elderly suppose to safely travel to the garden or park? If there is public transit, where is the closest bus stop? Is there on the street accessible parking, and a safe means of sidewalks and curb ramps for an individual in a wheelchair or with any mobility type of disability to safely cross the street? Once inside, is there an equitable means for participation? Are there firm, stable and slip resistant routes of travel throughout? Is there an indent left in the mulch or other surface material used when a person who uses a wheelchair travels within the garden? Are there raised garden beds with various heights? What percentage of the garden is accessible? Is there a sensory garden for someone who is blind or visually impaired? There is simply too much opportunity to provide for better inclusion and enjoyment of any outdoor space, beyond any regulation. We are, and I am the public. We are an integral part of any community.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/15581111@N08/3059563221

If your park provides a water feature for children to play in, can all children play in the fountain of water? Can a parent with a disability get to their child if necessary? A city close by has their beautiful Waterfront Park, unfortunately with a step going completely around it unnecessarily. The local county parks have done an outstanding job with their gradual sloped fountains. When it is close to 100 degrees for over 2 weeks, these features are necessary.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/beckyprn777/262607518/sizes/z/in/photostream/

With proper planning, and with a little consideration beforehand, everyone can be afforded an equal opportunity to play. We all know the health benefits from parks and community gardens, whether it is for exercise or diet, and we all should have the chance to benefit.

The therapeutic part of my own personal garden is the independence that it affords me. When I’m gardening, I’m somehow not a person with a disability. I am a gardener. It may take me a little longer sometimes, but I persevere. With the right tools, there isn’t much that I can’t do if I can get to it. In my own garden I only have to deal with my own mistakes and a lot of pests.

I am now happily married to someone who understands the significance and importance of me being able to maintain my independence. Because he is getting older, he too enjoys my elevated beds and containers. My son was one of my biggest advocates growing up and he will still speak up today. My friends and companions understand the real importance of what I do, and the encouragement to keep doing what I do is incredible.

There is a definite balance that must be maintained. I may retreat occasionally from the non-sense. I love my home and my own personal environment. My pool has a lift, and my garden has a walkway. Society must understand that not everyone has this within their home. Some people are literally house bound without ramps and transportation. When we think of any garden, or program within a garden, we must really think first to ensure inclusion and participation from the entire community. Parks and gardens are there for everyone to enjoy, and everyone should have the opportunity to enjoy them.

My companions are those who understand the importance and significance of all of this. It is easy for many to complain, but often difficult for many to make the necessary change. I love the saying, "If not you, who?" Plants in my garden also benefit from having the right companions. As long as we choose wisely, all will benefit.

www.growbetter.com.au

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_companion_plants

Update on Progress, Change and Insult

"Sometimes one must endure the critics, the insults and the muck to enjoy the beauty. In a world where negative attitudes and physical barriers truly handicap, I as an advocate, will endure these negative barriers on a daily basis with the continued hope that others will see the beauty too." Brenda B. Parent

In 2012, I believe in Open, Honest, and Direct Communication. I have no regrets, or remorse over what I've said or how I've said it. It is the truth. If my words are seen as irrational or nonrepresentational of others who live with disabilities or those who share my passion of gardening, maybe just maybe, you should re-evaluate your attitude, your words, and put on my shoes for just one day. I bet my life that you would feel differently! I have lived as a quadriplegic with a neurogenic bladder and bowel for 28 years. Trust me, I have had to deal with a lot worse.

The best part of advocacy is making positive change. Sometimes reactions catch me off guard. I'll never forget my husband saying very loudly to two young boys in a grocery store, "Hey, stop running!" as they nearly ran into me. The father came around the corner with an adversarial tone and told my husband that he didn't need to yell at his kids. My husband simply responded with, "Your kids nearly ran into my wife." No apologies were ever made from the father or children. The kids were old enough to know better.

You can't rationalize human behavior sometimes, especially if it isn't rational. Sometimes lessons are learned, sometimes not. Most are appreciative, and it is for those that I will always speak up when I encounter anything that is simply "just wrong." Everyday within my own life, I can't escape barriers, whether they are attitudinal or physical. They are a part of my life. I am strong because I refuse to be handicapped by these barriers to my independence. Ridiculous, you say? You have no idea....

On my vacation, I chose to go to the beach that promoted access. It wasn't maintained. I cannot not see this stuff, even on vacation. With the right attitudes, equipment, and accessibility, none of this is necessary. My husband who is not getting any younger had to pull me back up this. (It's steeper than it looks.) As people get older, they'll too be very appreciative of the many advocates that do what I do.

Progress, Change and Insult: Battles in and out of the Garden!

“Progress, Change and Insult: Battles in and out of the Garden!"

Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. ~ George Bernard Shaw

Great quotes are often worthy of repeating. After this week, I realized that constructive criticism is often difficult for even the most intelligent people to accept. As the offended one, undeserving belittling comments were thrown my way from those that I once considered to be professionals. Instead of apologies and gratitude, I was blasted as adversarial and ridiculous. A reporter in response to my statement that the use of the “h” word was regarded by people with disabilities to be as offensive and as derogatory as other inappropriate terminology used in the past describing the ethnicity of people, responded to me by saying, “That's a ridiculous statement. We will have to agree to disagree, ma'am.”

I was further humiliated by the Editor’s defensive statement where he said, “You have succeeded in identifying yourself as someone to whom neither of us would go for a rational, reasonable representation of individuals with which you share a common interest, whether it is the issue of people-first language or the topic of gardening.” (Some quotes are not worthy of sharing, but sometimes necessary so others can be enlightened to what an advocate has to put up with.)

For the ever growing friends (now over 250) who follow Access to the Garden on Facebook and the followers of my blog, I certainly hope that you feel differently about me, and that you share the same outrage as I do over these demeaning comments. To not waste energy on such negativity is almost impossible. Sadly, this was not the first time that these two were made aware of their use of offensive language either. With this particular publication, the word “handicapped” had been used close to 300 times during the last couple of years. In the last year alone, I and others had reportedly complained of the same issue on several different instances.

I cynically had a good laugh when I realized later that the Editor had worked previously for another publication that I was once very familiar with and had quit reading for this very reason. The only difference was that my allies within that publication had apologized repeatedly saying, “We’re sorry Brenda, it was the Editor.”

In a last ditch effort, I copied the exact quote from the AP Stylebook and shared it with the reporter. (This resource is used by all writing professionals.) “Disabled / handicapped - avoid describing anyone as disabled or handicapped in AP style. Blind and deaf should only be used for a total loss of sight or hearing.” Sadly, the response I received was as humiliating as the prior. “You are still ridiculous. Do not contact me again.” What truly handicaps people with disabilities, are unchanging attitudes like these. (This is an appropriate use of the “h” word.)

I realized after this communication that I was obviously wasting my time. I made my point, and I gladly shared my disgust with a few close friends, and, hopefully, with a few others who can possibly make a positive change. I may never be perceived as an ally there, but at least I said what needed to be said, with no regrets.

Sometimes, defensive behavior such as this can catch you completely off guard. Instead of, “We apologize for any offense, we certainly meant none”, you’re perceived as the adversary. In other circumstances, I have been ignored repeatedly when I’ve tried to offer my assistance as a professional on ways to improve access for people with disabilities. My suggestions can prevent injury, possible lawsuits, and provide an opportunity for more inclusion for people with disabilities. There is no licensure for doing what I do, but if there were I would have it. I’m certified as an ADA Coordinator from my participation and completion of many hours of training on the ADA. I have also completed numerous physical evaluations for compliance with the ADA, and many other accessibility requirements. Before quoting any regulation, I find the regulation and/or run it by a specialist if necessary to further help insure that I am correct.

For those who welcome me and to those who do say ‘thank you’, you make it all worth it. Seriously, this is why I put up with all of the nonsense. I will be the first to say that I look forward to the day when I am no longer needed, and to when even the best license professionals can see and review things in the same capacity as I do.

I recently had the pleasure of being invited to a special meeting held by our county parks commission regarding the future of our park system. This is one of the same entities that I had once had the opportunity to volunteer with years ago, one that valued the input of resident’s with disabilities. I am thrilled that they still do, and look forward to an additional 5000 acres of parkland to utilize. Hopefully, to include a few accessible kayak launches, accessible gardens, and other features to enhance inclusion.

I also had the privilege of attending the open house of a new educational Urban Farm, constructed and maintained by our state’s medical university, and by many members of the community. This was an exemplary effort that will be followed by many other institutions nationally. Efforts were made for inclusion which will, hopefully, be further enhanced by a few minor suggestions. An integrated effort needs to be made with the city and the state to allow individuals with disabilities to arrive safely from “site arrival points”, accessible parking, and bus stops. Nearby sidewalks will need to be addressed as well. The farm is awesome.

In my organic vegetable garden this week, I also felt as if I lost a few battles. “Lose a battle, win a war!” ~ Sun-Tzu's treatise on the 'Art of War' written in 6th Century B.C. I ripped out my squash and some of my cucumbers because of the damage caused by the squash vine borers, and the pickleworms. I also discovered cabbageworms eating my radishes, and tobacco hornworms munching away on my tomatoes. I showed no mercy to any of these pests. I learned that, unfortunately, the very beautiful hummingbird moth is actually the moth the hornworms transform into. This will not be occurring in my yard anyway!

Feeling like a failure within my own garden can be very discouraging. The same feeling you may have if your perspective on access isn’t seemingly appreciated within your own town. After conversing with other gardeners this week, it is quite evident that we all face similar pests on a daily basis. Some pests we face with mercy and others we do not.

As a gardener in the South, I have also had to deal with excessive amounts of hot air, both in and out of the garden. As an advocate, I do not sugar coat anything, especially when I’ve dealt with the issue before. Professionals should know the correct approach to writing. In 2012, I should not have to tell any reporter what is considered offensive language, and what is not. One reporter went back and changed the inappropriate language last year after she learned that I, and many others, was upset. For her and many others I am utmost grateful.

Sometimes, we all need to speak up when we feel that an injustice has occurred. The worst feeling is when you know that you haven’t said what should be said, for whatever reason you think you may have, and then later something tragic occurs and you live with regrets for not listening to that little voice inside. Trust me.

Often, we may resort to chemical pesticides when we can’t deal with excessive plant loss. Understandably, the negativity created by advocacy isn’t for everyone. There are independent living agencies, and other social service organizations within every state that are there to help.

What's in a Name? Gimpy Gardener?

"What’s in a Name? I am NOT a Wheelchair-bound Gardener!"

"The difference between the right word and the almost-right word
is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
- Mark Twain

DID YOU KNOW…that the word DAISY comes from the Anglo-Saxon term ‘daes eage’ meaning “day’s eye” referring to the flower's sun-like appearance, and the way that it opens early at dawn and closes at night. Word origination and meaning, although sometimes misunderstood or disputed, are very interesting. A word that was once considered acceptable may become offensive over time in its interpretation.



The word handicapped may imply a helplessness that is not suggested by the more acceptable people first language used as in “person with a disability”. There is also some stigma attached to the word handicapped because of its origin in the phrase hand in cap, which was actually derived from a game of chance, but sometimes is mistakenly believed to involve the image of a beggar. Although, there is confusion with its origination, it is inappropriate for anyone writing or reporting about a person with a disability to use language that is deemed offensive. This would apply to other words as well such as retarded, crippled, wheelchair-bound, crazy, nuts, lame, crippled, invalid, etc.



Years ago, I was speaking to a large group of people and someone in the audience asked me, “What do we call you?” I smiled, and very quickly responded with, “My friends call me Brenda!” I am an Advocate for People with Disabilities, an ADA/Accessibility Coordinator, mother, wife, and a gardener. I had a spinal cord injury when I was 22, and I have a physical disability, incomplete quadriplegia, that requires me to use a wheelchair. I personally refrain from the term disabled as well, because I believe in the use of people first language. Other terms such as wheelchair-bound are unacceptable because it implies entrapment versus the use of a wheelchair as a tool.



People first language is defined as a linguistic prescriptivism that seeks to eliminate dehumanization of people with disabilities. It helps those who don't live with a disability recognize people with disabilities as individuals with personalities and identities that are distinct from their disability. The most basic and effective use of the language is to identify people with disabilities by their names. http://www.1800wheelchair.com/news/post/people-first-language-i-am-not-my-wheelchair.aspx



As a gardener, I prefer to be referred to as a gardener. I am a gardener who also happens to have a disability, and I use a wheelchair for mobility. It is actually a complement for me when I am simply recognized as a gardener, or someone refers my Facebook Page, Access to the Garden, to another, as a “great page on gardening”. I enjoy the fact that my page has this universal, inclusive appeal. I am not special (maybe to my loved ones), I am a Gardener and I'm not a Special Gardener either. I may have to be a little more creative with my technique or approach to gardening. I am definitely a person who shares the passion for gardening. I am not wheelchair-bound. I may occasionally fall out of it, I do not sleep in it, and when I’m in my garden, I often forget about it. My wheelchair is a tool; it usually gets me to where I need to go.



Gardening seems to have its own universal language. I’m not the only one who enjoys the benefits of containers and raised beds. We all seem to enjoy close up pictures of beautiful flowers too. There are different approaches, some organic, sustainable, vertical, etc. but the end result is the ability to grow something beautiful and/or delicious. I just had my first homegrown tomato, and it was absolutely wonderful. There is definitely a difference in taste.



As I converse with other gardeners, and as I learn more about gardening, I realize that we are all interested in any type of tools that make the work of gardening easier. Not many people enjoy reaching their bare arms into a rose bush when pruning. A snip and hold long reach pruner will make this task easier and less painful for everybody.



Garden gloves with a good grip and that are designed to be easy to put on and take off, will benefit most gardeners as well. My favorite garden trowel is actually my 2’ Craftsman shovel. It’s great for digging small holes, and I don’t have to lean over. My latest acquisition was a pot mover, a hand cart specifically designed to move large containers. This has been a real back saver. Love it!



It seems as if a lot of products that are designed for people with disabilities make their way into the consumer market for everyone to enjoy. Now, imagine if Good Grips had originally called their products, Cooking Utensils for Invalids or Cripples? I don’t think that they would have had quite the success.



In spite of numerous resources for our media and often public officials, these offensive terms are heard or read daily. I will not be interviewed without telling the reporter first that if he or she uses inappropriate terminology or if the Editor adds it in later, I will blast them in my review. The characterization of a person with a disability as a person first and foremost can be the difference between recognition and dismissal of a person who has ability, interests, and ambition. Love this quote!

People such as my friend Sandy Hanebrink in the below picture can do extraordinary things. Her accomplishment of working with Anderson County, SC to build the state's first ADA Accessible kayak launch on the Saluda River was an outstanding accomplishment.


"Franklin Delano Roosevelt was a disabled politician" seems an almost absurd description of a man who became one of the most respected Presidents of the United States. His accomplishments are so well known and regarded that they eclipse the fact that he spent much of his life in a wheelchair as a result of a battle with polio. Does this then suggest that there is a threshold beyond which a person with a disability must achieve to be afforded an identity beyond their physical, sensory, or cognitive impairment?”

People First Language: I Am Not My Wheelchair http://www.1800wheelchair.com/news/post/people-first-language-i-am-not-my-wheelchair.aspx



We are people first, plain and simple. If a word offends, try not to use it. It took me several years to convince the Mayor of a nearby city to stop using the word handicapped. Some people may have difficulty understanding the correlation of the daisy to the sun, although, that one seems fairly easy to understand. Maybe by using something similar to the scientific approach of plant naming called binomial nomenclature, there would be less room for misinterpretation. My Scientific name would be Brenda Parent gardener, and maybe somewhere down the line I could be in a class of gardeners with disabilities.



Don’t Say (in italics) , Do Say (in bold)

Differently abled, challenged Disability
The disabled, handicapped People with disabilities
Slow learner Person with a learning disability
Quad Person with quadriplegia
Autistic Person with autism
Mongoloid Person with Down syndrome
Midget Person of short stature, little people
Burn victim Burn survivor
Handicapped parking Accessible parking
Blind Visually impaired
Alcoholic Alcohol dependent
Brain damaged Brain injury
Polio Post-polio syndrome
Confined to a wheelchair Uses a wheelchair
Hare lip Cleft lip
Fit, attack Seizure
Mute, dumb Speech disorder
Birth defect Congenital disability
Mental retardation, retarded Intellectual disability
Wheelchair-bound Person who uses a wheelchair
Normal, able-bodied Nondisabled
Deaf-mute, the hearing impaired Deaf, hard of hearing

http://www.rtcil.org/products/RTCIL%20publications/Media/Guidelines%20for%20Reporting%20and%20Writing%20about%20People%20with%20Disabilities%207th%20Edition.pdf